Be Messy

So the other day some coworkers around me were talking about how one of them, coworker A, is trying to move. Coworker B states that he and coworker C should go to the apartment coworker A was considering at the time and pretend to be prospective renters in order to feel the place out. He then determined that to be a bad idea based on the fact he has a strong desire to be liked and, coupled with his intense competitive streak, he would undoubtedly have the broker wanting to rent the apartment to him, not coworker A. After his comment about wanting to be liked, I said, commented and said, "Welcome to being a woman." He didn't flinch but I could also see the idea didn’t necessarily take. He looked at me and said, "Well doesn't everyone want to be liked? I want everyone to like me." I continued, "Yes, but with women specifically, it's different. We are trained to want to be liked by everyone, at all times, no matter what." Coworker C, a woman, said in response, "I don't do that. I don't care."

Now normally, I would have kept the conversation going and her comment would have been just that, a comment. Whether it was because I'd just seen that atrocity of a Pepsi commercial, I just overheard someone asking why Steve Bannon was removed from the National Security Council (as if that’s a question that needs to be asked), or if I was just generally on another level that Wednesday, I couldn't tell you but her response nearly made my blood pressure rise. I turned to her and said, "Okay, you might not care, but still, generally speaking, women are conditioned and trained to want to be liked at all times by everyone. It's ingrained. You have to work to think otherwise."

Everyone is different and I understand that. That's what makes other people so fascinating. However, being different does not negates the facts. It's been proven. Women have more issues with likable and being perceived as "nice" than women ever have and ever will. Where do you think the "work boss bitch" stereotype came from? High-powered women are always seen as being domineering, mean, and cold-hearted for getting to their high places of professionalism. But let a man do it? And it's seen as working hard to get to the top. The stereotypes, the dichotomy of gender in the workplace and gender inequality, both within and without the workplace, are baffling. 

Another, equally upsetting situation in which men automatically expect women to be nice is when they see them out on the street. I can't tell you the amount of times I've personally been told to "smile girl!" while minding my own business, walking down the block. Maybe it's been a terrible day, maybe there's been a death in the family, maybe a relationship just ended, maybe the sun was shining, maybe a job just ended, maybe the ramble of thoughts provoked by an ad seen on the train earlier screwed up your face in such a way you weren't even sure how it looked in the first place, maybe it was a Tuesday, maybe your favorite dress got a hole, maybe you woke up this morning in a grumpy, maybe you simply woke up this morning, maybe the grass was still green, not just on the other side, but on your side too, the grass was green everywhere.  Maybe you simply wanted to walk down the street for once without being cat-called and told what to do by a man who thought he knew better. Case and point, you don't have to smile just because you have a pretty face. Your face is beautiful. Do whatever you please with it. Don't let your facial expressions be dictated to you because who is that person to tell you how to look anyway? It is your prerogative and no one else's.

Lastly, you have to be "nice" and "likable" to get a boyfriend? What about being real? What about not simply acquiescing to everything just because you don't want to cause trouble. What if something makes you uncomfortable? You do not, I repeat, DO NOT, have to be nice in such situations. There's no call for it. A friend I was talking about this with said her father used to tell her to keep herself "attractive" because how else was she going to get and keep a man. I nearly hit the ceiling. How about by being yourself? Or being funny? Or being brilliant? Or being awkward and shy? Or being however you feel like being that day? THAT is the only way you should ever be and if no man wants that well then they're all missing out because any man would be lucky to have such a woman (or any woman).

Back in February, Viola Davis was in an interview with Vanity Fair talking about how much she loves playing Annalise Keating due, in part, to the fact that she gets to be messy. Because it’s the truth, real women are messy. It's a fact of nature. It's also a fact that we have to work twice as hard as men to get a quarter of the way as far as they do, all because we happened to be born with a woman instead of a man. How is that fair? Not only do we get the short side of the stick, we also have to be incredibly nice at all times otherwise someone automatically assumes we’re on our periods.

No, I’m not on my period.

No, I’m not upset.

I’m just being assertive. Why is that such a surprise? Not everyone is nice 100% of the time. As wonderful as that would be, it’s just not feasible in today’s society (though hopefully we forge a way there).

However, in the here and now, ladies, do what you have to. And if you have to be assertive and hurt some feelings and be a “boss bitch” well then you go right ahead and do it. Don't smile if you don't feel like smiling. Who told you you have to? If a man seeing you walking down the street and tells you to "smile with that pretty face", give him a death stare. Only smile, be nice, make yourself likable, if you want to. You have the right. Go. Be messy.

PS. Viola Davis is absolutely amazing. SUPPORT SUPPORT SUPPORT