Finding Your Space: A Conversation Summarized

A couple weeks ago, I had a conversation with a friend of mine in Instagram, because that’s where the real conversations take place these days. We talked about naïveté, doing “the work,” and figuring out what your part of “the work” is, and I thought it would be helpful to share. Just know that if you’re struggling to figure out your role and way to help make the world a better, more equitable place, you’re not alone. 

The reason the conversation came about was because of a post I sent her. It was from a fashion account and had a long caption discussing how much the fashion industry, print magazines in particular, have changed for the worse, and how fashion magazines should return to the true innovators and harbingers of fashion news that they once were instead of what they’ve been doing recently, snapping up whatever “hot” celebrity is currently available and giving them a 10-page spread. There’s a market for everyone, that’s why Vogue is not the only fashion magazine in existence. Ironically enough, this post came out only a day or two before US Vogue announced the Biebers as their March cover stars  (don’t get me started) which seemed to only reinforce the posters point. Since she too is interested in fashion, I wanted to know her thoughts. After reading the caption, she admitted that she sometimes felt naive, not just about fashion in particular, but about the world in general, being told and sensitized and exclusively exposed to only certain beauty ideals, constructs and ways of thought, and different forms of consciousness. 

The psychologist in me immediately took hold as I admitted that I too struggle with constructs and pre-conceived ideals I did not choose for myself, specifically within the bounds of beauty, but also on other, sometimes larger, scales. I counseled her not to be hard on herself. There’s a difference between doing the work and re-learning what’s important to you VS. going along with whatever you’re told like a mindless sheep. Not only do you need to consciously work to change your thought patterns, you have to be willing to check yourself, consistently and often. These systems of oppression are not going to take down themselves. Every societal problem to be found on both the micro and the macro scales in this country, as well as in this world, are not just going to “fix themselves” one day. That’s not how problems work unfortunately. WE have to do the work to resolve them, WE have to fix them. And since WE have to do it, WE have to be prepared for it. Which means changing how you think about problematic issues. 

However, it’s important to remember that being patient with yourself is also critical. You are not going to become “woke” overnight. As bell hooks writes in Black Looks: Race and Representation, it’s important “that opposition and resistance [are not] made synonymous with self-actualization on an individual or collective level: ‘Opposition is still the necessity to become - to make oneself anew (pg. 51).’”

Phenom author and culture commentator (and my favorite author) Roxane Gay discusses this in her book Bad Feminist. She stresses throughout the book that it’s alright to not know. It’s alright to have questions. It’s alright not to agree with every single thing “the movement” says, proposes or fights for. You need to be able to think for yourself and that includes formulating your own educated opinions. We must remember during this process to be gentle with ourselves. So take a breeze, take some time for yourself when you need to. Work to realize when you’ve reached your limit. Because if you cannot do the work and add to it in meaningful ways if you are burnt out yourself. I spoke to Michelle Alexander after a talk she did at Columbia once and, to paraphrase, she said, “Everyone has a job and not everyone can do every job. But YOU have to be willing and ready and prepared to do YOUR job.” That’s what matters. So do the work, and ready yourself, but go easy. Don’t forget to love on yourself a lil.